Judge Free Zone

     Not judging a book by its cover is so much easier coined than lived out. It’s human nature to judge, evaluate and allowing our eyes to delve beyond the surface can be trying. But how very cool would it be that instead of soaking in a person’s clothing labels it was their heart you encountered first? I’m thinking that could backfire for some for sure. Have you been guilty of jumping the gun where your attitude and approach to a person may be softened or hardened depending on what they were or weren’t wearing, the piercings or tattoos on their bodies or how they spoke? If you haven’t, well you have…hate to break it to you.

     But the truth is what we find as aesthetically appealing to the eye on the surface, and we all have different definitions of that, can sometimes be very contrasting to what lies beneath. Some of my most in depth and thought provoking conversations have stemmed from the kid in my office who just looks exceptionally rough around the edges to the traveler I’ve shared dinner with that most would pass by on the street without a word or a glance. But we’ve all been guilty of assuming we know what an individual is about based upon appearance.  We discriminate without even realizing it and with that we hastily go about our day without realizing we missed out on something pretty awesome.

    When it’s you being discriminated against it can not only sting, but feel pretty crappy. I made an attempt to trek to the Czech Republic via train hopping from Austria with a few hour lay over in Munich, Germany. My frolicking in Munich got the better of me and I ended up missing my 2 am train leaving me with my pack, only a few Deutsch marks (pre-Euro) , utterly exhausted and totally alone. I opted to migrate to the waiting area where other backpackers and a handful of homeless resided to catch a few hours of sleep before deciding where I would head next. I was exhausted. I used my belt to tie myself to my pack that left no opportunity for it being lifted without them taking me with it. Good luck with that. My hair was pulled back, my jeans were visibly worn and my sweater had seen better days, but I had planned on throwing my things in the wash at my next destination. It was not quite 8 am when I was poked in the side by someone uttering incomprehensible words in German. All I wanted to do was sleep just a little longer. Words were exchanged again and just as I opened my eyes a sharp pain shot across my rib cage and my eyes filled with tears as I bit my lip to refrain from screaming. A billy club was my morning wake up call by the local police whose task was to remove the ruffians from the terminal before the rush of travelers set in. At that moment I had never felt such a sickening combination of pain, shame and anger that simmered with me long after I left Munich. My wake up was based on where I was, how I looked and how I was perceived as being a public annoyance lumped in with the homeless and other riff raft.

      It’s funny how little we really know about those we can sometimes be surrounded   by everyday who have a certain look that works for or against them impacting how we engage in conversation and approach them. Maybe they’re struggling with ptsd, their marriage is falling apart, bills are piling up and they feel like they’re drowning Or just simply they’re layered with life experiences that have the ability to enrich your life? There is always so much more than what lies on the surface.

    It’s kind of a cool challenge to allow your eyes to focus less on the wardrobe and exterior and more on the heart and character. It takes time and patience, but the reward outweighs the effort. It’s a great way to sift through the buttheads and find some gems that would have otherwise been overlooked.

Chewy didn't roll solo

Goose had Maverick and Han Solo had Chewbaka. Both of these guys had a wingman through the course of their journeys that endured both good and bad. As a new school year and college term has kicked off my hope is that every young person has their own Chewy or Goose. Whether in the hallways or on the weekends every one of our kids will be faced with decisions, moral dilemmas and peer pressures that can often be uncomfortable and sometimes has the potential to be life altering. It’s that person who not only has your back, but will call you out on poor decision making or will stand up for you when you are in over your head. Often times it takes a handful of experiences involving hurt, broken promises or even betrayal before the selection process becomes more refined. It isn’t an easy thing.

     After completing grad school I spent six months working in New Zealand and a few weeks travelling throughout Australia and Fiji. While in Fiji I island hopped in pursuit of good surf and diving. I met some locals who owned a dive shop on the main land and they invited me to do a trek with them free of charge. I was a very green diver, only receiving my cert a month or so prior in Australia , with only a handful of dives under my belt. When you dive you always are encouraged to have a buddy, or a wingman. My wingman, Raj, assured me I was in good hands and that we were going to check out an unbelievable wreck that sunk a few hundred years back.  I wasn’t certified to dive wrecks yet, but I caved in, put on my gear and eagerly accompanied my wingman in to the deep blue.

     As we descended I kept my eyes fixed on Raj who would turn around every ten I feet or so and give me a bob of the head with a thumbs up. I slowly followed him through the first passageway into the ship and as we entered visibility quickly decreased and my wingman was out of sight. There would be different doorways to go through and it was unclear as to which way they turned making it a very real possibility of getting lost in the belly of the ship. I knew the guys were probably only a few feet ahead, but I opted to make my way back to the surface.. But as I hastily exited the knob on my air tank became pinned in between the rusty shards of the door’s frame. I couldn’t move forward or backwards and for a second I was pretty sure I was done for. The only option remaining was removing weight belt and physically holding my air tank as I maneuvered by body where I was facing my tank. I jostled it and after a few jiggles the knob was free and I was able to strap my gear back on and resurface.

      My wingman did not have my back. I remember thinking on the boat ride back to land at how differently my outcome could have been and that my ability to trust someone I knew nothing about was foolish on my part. Every day adults and young people are faced with decisions that range from whether or not to say something if you’re in the car and the driver is texting, to speak up when we hear someone being bullied, to posting inappropriate comments or pictures on social media and the list goes on. Sometimes we have our guard down, don’t think straight or are just simply being a butt head. It’s times such as these that we need to be held accountable, called out and need a wing man.

     Sometimes it can be easy to get caught up in finding someone whose convenient or more fun than reliable and honest. My hope is that as our kids and loved ones begin another year the focus won’t be on how many friends are in their circle, but how good the ones they have are. Even having one solid Goose or Chewy goes a whole lot further than a dozen fair weathered peeps. May the force be with you.

Get uncomfortable

“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country,” was JFKs prompting to the American people during his inaugural address in 1961.  Now, a half a century later it is a way of thinking that has gone out of style. We’ve hit a bit of a snag when it comes to having a national movement with individuals serving others and passionate about bettering both country and people. So much of our culture weighs appearance and material possession over character and sacrifice. With this compromise we’ve lost so much depth and direction. It’s sad.

Complacency has been exchanged for passion. Our culture has become comfortable being comfortable creating barriers in the ability to see past ourselves, our own needs and wants. It’s a bubble wrap lifestyle that’s deflated of authentic joy. Blah. Life is too short to be consistently comfortable. There’s something pretty fantastic about assuming the risk of stepping outside of yourself and crossing the line from complacently comfortable to a shaken and stirred, out of the box mover and shaker. There are a billion ways to give of yourself, to bring a smile to another person in the world and add joy that will surpass your comprehension. It starts with one step, opening your eyes.

One of the coolest experiences is watching the wheels churn in a young person when they have to make the conscious choice as to whether they choose the path of comfort or take a risk and go beyond themselves. If and when that choice occurs there is a ripple effect. It impacts how they look at life, their attitude and, eventually,  it trickles into all facets of their life. But we have to stoke the fire for this generation providing opportunities as well as encouraging a vision that isn’t innate.

Last week I trekked into Philly with a bunch of kids who etched a day out of their summer to schlep into the city on a really hot day to hand out bag lunches and clothes to those less fortunate.  They had nothing to gain. Each of them took the step allowing themselves to be uncomfortable. Those they served sometimes looked a little different or maybe had an odor. It was awkward for some handing out lunches to someone they knew didn’t have a place to sleep that night. It was uncomfortable helping the lady who was missing teeth rifle through clothing for her husband who had lost his job and now they were living at a shelter. But the beauty of it is that the lessons from that afternoon will resonate with these kids. Their hands, their feet made a difference in the lives of others and it didn’t take a whole lot of effort. It just took being willing to be a little uncomfortable.

We don’t all have to hit the streets of our local cities. That isn’t in the cards for some of us. It might be going through your cupboards and donating a bag full of groceries to your local food pantry. It could be volunteering a few hours a month at a women’s shelter or participating in a 5k that raises awareness for CF or MS. The opportunities to serve, contribute are endless and they don’t have to require you pulling out your checkbook. Sometimes utilizing your time and heart can go a whole lot farther and take more effort than a monetary donation.

As we were returning to our cars empty handed last Friday in Philly, my feet were a little sore and I my shirt was damp from sweat. As we crossed the Ben Franklin Parkway the group of kids I was walking with were already chatting about what we needed to bring with us the next time we rolled into town. They were stoked and watching their eyes flicker with the contagious state of ‘goodness’ made my week. The truth is that serving, giving and compassion isn’t a one time thing. The ultimate goal is to allow it to become a lifestyle and when that happens, man, you get a whole new vision for life and those around you.

Bitter better or not?

“Don’t be a bitter Betty.” What is bitterness? Webster’s Dictionary defines it as the following:  “exhibiting intense animosity, harshly reproachful marked by cynicism and rancor .” Each of us are handed a different hand of cards in life. One of our greatest challenges may be in not comparing our hand to the guy or girl on either side of us. Sometimes life can present challenges, obstacles, losses and strife that can seem daunting. It’s easy to compare and contrast and think, “well, this surely isn’t fair now is it?”

Bitterness isn’t an immediate state, but it is something that we choose to take on. Whether we like it or not it is a choice.  It may first surface as anger or resentment that then festers and over time morphs itself into bitterness. Whether it be from losing a job, ongoing financial challenges, a string of unhealthy relationships, constant health ailments the loss of a loved one or a million other slights that happen in life sometimes life can be wicked unfair.  The line can be fine, but the transition from one state into the other is rarely a rapid one. It’s an internal simmering of hurt, regret or anger that can lead to a boiling pot of emotion that inevitably will spit and sputter causing pain to both the individual and those around them.

My junior year of college I went through a state of loss and hurt that rocked my world to the core. I experienced grief, anger and a sadness that seemed to almost consume me. At one point I remember my Dad putting his arm around me and saying, “you have a choice to make. What lies ahead of you will test you. Do not let anger consume you. Do not become bitter. Bitterness will cripple you. Ask God for strength, peace and direction.” It was at that moment I received some of the wisest prodding one could receive and I made the decision to ignore those words. For the next few years I allowed bitterness to overcome me and it skewed my thinking, perception of life and impacted my relationships with people.  It was the loneliest chapter of my life.

I was fighting a battle in the ring of life that was me vs. me. It was tiring, lonely and unnecessary. Walls were built around my heart to keep people at a distance and joy seemed to have been extracted from the simple pleasures of life. It wasn’t until I realized that my quality of life was being affected and I was, emotionally, hurting those around me. I prayed for guidance, forgiveness and peace. Bitterness kicked my butt for sometime, but I am grateful that it only made me stronger after the fact.

Every day we will face different challenges and struggles. There will be seasons in life where your heart may ache from loss, loneliness or frustration. Sometimes those seasons may seem like they have end. We do not know the pain and hurt of those around us and it is not our job to judge because so much lies beneath the surface. Anger is a normal emotion. Sadness is a normal emotion. What is neither healthy nor constructive is not dealing with it and allowing them to fester and morph into bitterness.

Personally, I have come to the conclusion that life can be crazy unfair sometimes but it’s way too short to dwell, simmer and quite simply be miserable. You are too beautiful of a creation and life is a vapor; don’t waste it on an emotion that will ultimately cripple the ability to enjoy the blessings and beauty that exists on a daily basis. Press forward, breath deeply and know bitterness is rubbish.

Wrinkles and lines

 Last week my grandmother celebrated her 95th birthday. It was also the first time she met my son, Jack, who was named after her late husband and my grandfather. As she sat rocking little Jack, cradled in her arms, she sang "Hello Dolly" and about half way through I noticed how she struggled to hold back tears. As I stood back watching my little boy being held by my last living grandparent it was a pretty poignant moment. I knew that my grandma was overwhelmed with emotion holding the little boy named after her husband and how Jack represented the season of life and birth as she comes closer to the end of her own life. My little one entered a world my grandmother struggles to keep up with while she possesses a history, so very rich, he will never fully be able to grasp it.

We live in a society that glamorizes youth and suffers greatly from ageism. Wrinkles and sagging body parts are frowned upon and there is a fear of age equating to decreased significance. The pressure to pursue an everlasting youthful look is off the charts. With focus geared upon youth and a fast paced everything there's a trend of discounting the weight in knowledge and wisdom of the elderly. They move slow. They drive slow. Forget about trying to explain tweeting or tagging someone. When they were born there was no internet, cell phones and, for some, no television. Our elderly are living, breathing history lessons and so often we are so busy being busy we don't take the time to ask questions, listen and learn. I'm just as guilty as the next person of already thinking about the next 'have to do' instead of allowing myself to live in the moment. 

My grandma was born in the roaring 20s, survived the depression, the heart ache of World War II and a time where being Jewish came with consequence. What she has lived through is mind boggling it's hard to wrap my head round it. I believe every human possesses their own chapters in life and so often we are so caught up in the now we don't take the time to gain insight into the pages of those closest to us. Her wrinkles and lines around her face represent the timeline of the life she has lived. Sitting on the front porch last week I learned a little more about my grandma just because I simply asked a few questions. With a cup of coffee, a rocking chair and her youngest great grandchild on her lap time froze and I learned about her, her parents and our family history. It's a wealth of information that can't be acquired in any other way than taking the time to ask because there will be a time when the opportunity will no longer be there. 

So as my little dude is four months old next week I'm learning more as a mom and attempting to look at life through his eyes than I have in my previous 37 years of life. Every day is a gift and the beauty of life becomes all the richer when we allow ourselves to learn more about those who (whether we like it or not) are connected to us, our history and generations of family that won't be here forever. There will be a day where the rocking chair will be empty and there will be no more opportunities for questions or coffee. Don't let time and opportunity to slip through your fingertips. I would give anything to have an hour to chat with my Grandpa Jack or my Dad's mom. They've both been gone for over 30 years now and there's so much I would have loved to ask given the opportunity. 

But the truth is we can cling to the 'should have' or 'would have' mentality or we can realize the fragility of life and begin to take a little more time to respect the wrinkles, gain curiosity when observing the many lines on a face and grab a rocking chair. 

Fallen trees and sagging roof tops

A few weeks ago South Jersey was slammed with a storm that, although predicted earlier in the day, still felt like it came out of nowhere. I was definitely guilty of underestimating the strength and damage high winds and heavy rain would bring. Now, weeks later there is still plenty of evidence from the storms that range from the piles of branches, chopped up logs and even homes that bore the brunt of the high winds and fallen trees.
Our neighbor directly across the street from us was on his roof chopping and removing the debris that fell on his roof within moments of the storm's end. The dude was hard core debris removal. Even with our neighborhood's power being out for a week he managed to return his yard to pre-storm status within 48 hours. Now weeks following the storm, a total contrast to that is the home directly behind us where a tree still lies on top of the house and it seems every day the roof and damage to the home becomes a little more extensive. Had they taken the proper measures to remove the tree, although costly, it would have saved their home from further damage.

But it's funny how in our own lives it sometimes can feel so much easier to procrastinate or avoid dealing with the fallen trees and sagging roof tops that life can sometimes throw at us. Reality can sting and although we may think closing our eyes to the heart ache involved in the loss of a loved one, the battle faced with addiction, the rawness of dealing with an illness, being jobless or the constant pains involved with depression or anxiety these pains exist. The truth is that all forms of these fallen trees hurt and even though we may see those around us struggling with these challenges, it isn't until we have our own high winds and sagging roofs that we must choose how we deal. It isn't easy.
I remember the very first time that I lost someone I cared about to addiction. It was my junior year of high school. It was someone I had known since middle school and although we were not directly in the same social circle, we shared a few classes together and were more than just simply acquaintances. He was an awesome guy. He was super laid back, personable and one of those people who everyone liked. He also partied his face off. The partying escalated as he progressed into senior year of high school. One day before a class we had together started I attempted to make an effort in expressing how worried I was about him. He was in over his head, looked like a train wreck every day and he was missing school more frequently. He leaned over and very matter of factly told me to mind my own business. I shut my mouth and never spoke up about it again. Less than three months later he was dead. He overdosed. Heroin claimed his life.
As a seventeen year old kid it rocked me to the core. I remember driving in my car, ending up sitting on the beach and just sobbing. I never really spoke to anyone about it. For years part of me felt almost guilty that my lack of action contributed to his death. I beat myself up about it for a long time and I believe it had a part in an unhealthy desire to almost 'save' people for years after that along with keeping a trust buffer amongst friends out of fear of losing someone.
It wasn't until my mid-twenties that I forgave myself and really began to work on removing the branch that lie so heavily on the roof of my heart. It was beating the heck out of me.
Each of us will face challenges, heart ache and struggles that are our own. How we deal and choose to face these is up to us. I released myself from a guilt that was crippling and asked God for the strength, peace and direction with a situation that was out of my own hands. It renewed me and transformed how I moved forward in both my outlook on life and future relationships.
Fallen trees, broken limbs and sagging roof tops can be overwhelming, but the reality is that we are not alone. God's grace, mercy and peace has the ability to make even the most weakened roof and uprooted tree so much less heavy and broken than it is. God is good, faithful and so very awesome even in the most tumultuous of storms. 

Home of the free

     I'm proud to be an American. I am beyond grateful to have been born in a country brimming with opportunity and freedoms that are part of our every day rituals that we so easily take for granted. We possess freedoms that we can easily feel entitled to and not connect that these gifts are possible because of the men and women over the course of our nation's history. After all, freedom is not free.
   

 

In school I pledged to the flag daily without hesitation and wore and there was a flag hanging from my home as the fourth rolled around every year. It wasn't until my feet walked on soil across the globe that I had any concept of how truly free and able we are. 

Example 1: A million choices that are not a choice elsewhere 

The summer before my junior year of college I spent time in Minsk, Belarus. It was my very first time overseas and as a nineteen year old kid in college who was just stoked to be on an adventure it shattered my view of life in every way possible. My world was turned upside down. From armed guards greeting us at the dilapidated airport to the lingering effects of Chernobyl present in young and   

old, it was a far cry from Main Street USA. What still resonates within me, years later, was my first trip to the grocery store. When I inquired to a friend who had accompanied me there about the empty racks where milk should be and the obvious lack of variety and choice of bread, cookies or cereal they responded, "this is what's on our shelves and what we have to choose from. When the milk runs out it remains that way until the next delivery." There was not 25 types of bread or 132 choices of cereal. The first time I went shopping after returning home I cried, partially out of gratitude and partially out of disgust at how much we have that is both wasted and expected. 

Example 2: The ability to be who you are 

After working and traveling through Israel I hopped the border into the Sinai before heading via bus to Cairo. I stayed in a hut owned by a Swiss couple that was much more Westernized than the surrounding villages. After getting settled I made my way into town by food wearing long linen top and a flowing skirt where only my feet, hands and a section of my face were visible. While abroad I do my best to respect the cultural practices and, naively, I believed that my attire was appropriate. I walked into town half to explore and the other to capture a few candid pictures of an area laden with political and religious unrest. As I made my way into a small shop for a bottle of water it became quickly apparent that all eyes were on me. Men and women literally stopped and observed my every move. Before making it to the register I heard, "whore" from the aisle next to me and as my eyes met the man closest to me there was disdain that made my stomach turn. With every step I made you could have heard a pin drop. The silence was deafening. I returned to the Westernized haven unscathed, but I was unnerved. My dress was unsuitable in the area I was in. As a woman it was not acceptable to walk freely, not fully covered in this area of the world. There was no chatting about the importance of women's equality in this situation and in that moment I became so very grateful to be a women born in the United States entitled to a voice, to dress as in a way that I choose and to have the simple freedom of walking into a store without fear for out lash regarding my appearance. 

We are in a country with great freedom and opportunities that should not be taken for granted. Thank those who have served or are presently serving because our freedoms have come with great cost and allow our county to be as great as it is. 

Lessons from little man Jack

There are so many different chapters throughout the course of our lives that offer opportunities to learn life lessons. In the past year I have learned more about myself, life, faith and family than in my previous thirty- six years on earth and that has been a pretty fantastic thing. 

As a counselor working with teens it's my job to guide, encourage and support. In the past twelve months I have realized that each of us, at different points in our lives, have to relinquish control and allow others to encourage, support and even guide when needed. If you're, like me, one of those who struggles with holding the reigns in life then it's likely that receiving or requesting assistance from others is both foreign and highly uncomfortable. But the truth is that when stubbornness overrides our own best interest what's often being withheld is joy that others can receive in extending themselves to those who could use a little extra goodness. In these past twelve months my eyes have been opened to the reality that the joy I receive in helping others is one that I have to allow others to have when the opportunity permits. Joy and encouragement can't be a one way street otherwise the richness is lost somewhere down the line. Don't stifle the goodness. 

As a mom of a newborn I've had a whole lot of middle of the night feedings where I've sometimes struggled to maintain consciousness and other nights where my brain has had the ability to reflect a bit. As the little man with the softest little fingers and toes snuggles with me it feels as though time pauses a bit and, in reality, so much of what I allow to fluster me in every day life seems to fade to the way side. It's so easy to get caught up in the crap of life, its distractions and weight on things that really hold no value. I realize that there is only a short window of Jack's life that the little man's feet will fit in the palm of my hand. So with that in mind, how terribly important is it to tidy the house constantly, to pull in the most clients for the month or fixate on the fact that there's another crack in your car's windshield? Because stress will always be a factor in our life, but the moments that are ever so fleeting with the one's around us won't always be there. So with that, I am off to have lunch with my husband at our dining room table and there is really no where else I would rather be. 

Spring in the step

     In less than a week Spring Break will be here, marking the completion of three quarters of the school year. The shift in season is evident in our hallways with more laughter and a louder buzz amongst students. It’s amazing what a little sun and pause in tundra like temps can do. 

     Among the average high school student body, with the change in seasons there is the tendency for a more care free spirit that can sometimes be accompanied alongside impulsive behaviors.  Our kids are precious and irreplaceable. Throughout the year I am in classes addressing topics pertaining to good decision-making, and always stressing how fragile and fleeting life can be.  

      I believe that we have some great kids out there, but the reality is that teenagers are at higher risk for impulsive decision -making and sometimes the best kids can make some potentially life altering decisions. Even the smartest of kids may choose the wrong option in the midst of peer pressure and timing. 

     Driving under the influence is a topic that most students would say has been around for as long as they can remember. What I’d like to examine is not the driver, but the passenger. Before our students graduate from Seneca I will have likely been in two to three of their classes, one of which, is driver’s education. I’ve come to the realization that many of our kids would never drive under the influence, but the line is much grayer when it comes to entrusting their safety to a peer or family member driving under the influence.

     After one drink a young person’s perception begins to be altered. After taking a hit off a pipe or getting high off of a bong, the mind is altered. This may seem like common sense, but that’s not always the case. When someone doesn’t appear intoxicated it can be more difficult to say no. The one point I always try to convey is that both alcohol and marijuana do affect reaction time. There are some who believe driving under the influence of marijuana, compared to alcohol, isn’t quite as risky. But even a two second delay with a light, stop sign or turn can mean the difference between life and death.  

     I believe that if a young person is in a situation like this they have a choice to spend the night or call a parent or a loved one. We can empower our kids that in the most precarious of situations, they have the ability to rise above and do not only what is safe, but the right thing. My hope is that as we approach spring break and then into the summer months our young people will know that there are so many chapters ahead of them, but the quality and quantity of our years can so often be dictated by the decisions we make. 

     Every choice is an important one and it's so very critical we continue to maintain that dialogue of good decision making with our young people because there is nothing more precious than our kids. 

Human Trafficking: get educated

The concept of human trafficking has until recently been an atrocity mostly associated with pockets of Asia and Africa, but it is a very real and frightening issue that has made its way to Burlington County. Turning a blind eye might make it feel as though it couldn't affect someone we know, but knowledge, in this instance, is the most effective means of protection.  Human trafficking is the illegal act of moving and using individuals for either forced labor or sexual exploitation.

     The average age of a human trafficking victim is 14. This involves adults preying on young people and their greatest means of luring and attracting victims is, but is not limited to, social media. Through accessing information posted on Facebook, twitter or instagram regarding the young person's high school, personal interests and friends, a wealth of information can be collected. Then, armed with this information, the young person on the other end of the screen is befriended, messaged and lured into establishing a trust that seems legitimate. There have been instances where the attractive older looking male or woman approaches a young person at the mall, at their place of work or the 'coincidental' run-ins that occur frequently.  Seemingly innocently enough, the predator promises a lucrative job, fixing them up on a date with someone they've had their eye on, or even a Saturday night house party with free food and alcohol. Their main objective is to lure and secure their bait with false promises.

    When these meetings occur, on average, within 24 hours the young person is drugged up so they can no longer think straight and can be forced into having sex with anyone willing to pay their pimp the required sum of money. This might seem unfathomable for our kids to be at risk in an area that seems removed from such atrocities, but it is here and is an issue that is not going away anytime soon.

So what are some ways to guard our kids?:
·      removing any friends/contacts on social media sites that they do not directly know
·      having their social media sites closed for public access
·      discussions that a friend of a friend via social media does not justify trusting or meeting up with someone, especially if they are alone
·      if someone offers them a job or opportunity that seems too good to be true, do your research ensuring it isn’t a ploy to take advantage of your child

·      websites to familiarize yourself with this topic: 
www.fbi.gov
www.sharedhope.org
www.polarisproject.org

   Educate yourself, chat with your kids or loved ones and realize that these atrocities will be a part of our society until we become more aware, unite our efforts and no longer keep our eyes closed to an epidemic that is stealing the innocence and safety of too many of our children. Something can be done and it starts with each of us taking one step. 

Valentine-ness

Valentine's Day has never been a holiday I've looked forward to or really found much to it outside of the pressure for purchasing chocolates, roses or twirling around like Buddy the Elf chanting, "I'm in love! I'm in love!"  I've always felt, in a non jaded way, that the message conveyed is that you lack value if you don't have a significant other and if you do one would naturally expect to be laden with chocolates, flowers and uber love. So maybe that makes me sound Scrooge-like, but I feel like love and caring for others stretch way beyond what society has packaged and molded it into. 

Love is beautiful, unconditional and hard work. It is something that is not earned in a one night stand. With friendship it isn't solidified in a 48 hour meet and great session. Unfortunately, we're in a culture where our food, internet service and expectations for anything and everything are immediate. It's easy to be inpatient, to want something now and for it to, unrealistically, fall under our umbrella of what love and relationships should be even if they aren't. 

One of my favorite verses in the Bible defines what love is so eloquently and so against the grain of what our society and culture defines it as: 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love is not an easily packaged and cellophane wrapped basket, but it is instead an awesome ever growing, if we allow it to, component of life. It isn't intended to ever hurt or weaken the other individual, but instead find ways to bring joy and fullness to others in a non self serving manner. 

There's nothing wrong with chocolates and a nice dinner on February 14th, but don't let these notions of affection be limited to a few designated holidays during the year. You deserve goodness, to be genuinely asked how your day was and to be surrounded by those (even if that's only a select few) who treat you how you desire to be treated. Life is too stinking short to invest and strive for a certain someone or type of person who will never reciprocate and treat you as you deserve to be valued. 

Know that you, with all your good, bad and in-between are super worth loving and investing in. It's the truth! 

Being aware in the winter

   Sometimes I find myself just wanting to walk around my house in flip flops as a protest against the cold, dark days of winter. There are moments when it feels like spring will never get here and I find myself making  a concerted effort to take in fresh air and catch a few fleeting rays of sun whenever the opportunity presents itself to keep myself in check.

     Even in 2015, depression and anxiety can be down-played, and if an adolescent or adult suffers from either or both of these, it's important to know what to look for, as well as steps that can be taken to encourage and direct the one you love. It's really challenging to grasp what it's like to struggle with an overwhelming sense of sadness, anxiety or phobia on an ongoing basis. The words, "just snap out of it," or "why don't you try and get some fresh air" are well intended but do not cure the ongoing emotional struggle. 

     If you notice a shift in socializing with friends or family, lack of interest in hobbies, a significant increase or decrease in sleeping patterns, detachment from the others, inability to concentrate, unpredictable mood behaviors and/or racing thoughts, these are a few signs of someone you care about not being in a good place. There is no wave of a wand to fix those we love, but through working in unison we can begin shifting things in the right direction.

     The first step is in having an informal chat about your concerns, what you are seeing and taking some time to come up with ways that they feel you might be able to support or encourage them. It might sound strange, but there's nothing wrong with asking if you can join them in watching a movie instead of them being alone,  taking a trek to Wawa for a cup of coffee, or even encouraging them to invite a friend or two over.

     I am a firm believer in providing the proper tools for those we care for when they need them most. Often, the first step can be found in connecting with an outside counselor. This can be a daunting task, but feel free to ask recommendations from family/ friends, your child's guidance counselor or through your insurance provider. It's challenging, as a parent, to not be frustrated with wondering why your loved one might be more inclined to speak to someone they don't know. There can be a sense of comfort in divulging concerns, fears or daily challenges with someone you are certain to not bump into in the kitchen or at Starbucks. There's a sense of anonymity when chatting with someone outside of your circle. 

     A counselor might recommend an evaluation if they feel it is necessary. Psychiatric evaluations can often provide a sense of relief from the unknown for both teens and adults finally validating that there is a legitimate struggle going on. It is through family/friend support, counseling and medication that the load they have been bearing can be lightened over time. 

     The world of mental health is vast and overwhelming, but it doesn't have to be. If you are concerned about either yourself or a loved one, reach out and ask questions to someone you are comfortable confiding in. This is not about being judged, but instead supporting and encouraging a healthier and more stable future for those we care for.

New Year and new opportunities

     Every year consists of 365 days. From January 1^st to December 31^st we are given 8,765.81 hours and how we opt to manage those hours is up to us. When you break it down, although a year can feel as though it is here and gone, there is so much in between those twelve months and whether we choose to take advantage of life or allow life to take advantage of us.

     Life is a precious gift. Every year that comes to a close brings with it joys as well as losses. I think of the many who were here in the beginning of 2014 and are no longer with us. Life is fleeting, a mist that is here and gone. I don't say this to evoke a sense of somberness, but instead the reality that each moment is fragile and not one we are entitled to. There are chapters in some of our lives that are acute in suffering or loss while other chapters may be brimming with life, joy and blessings. Life was not meant to be predictable nor were we born immortal.







     Whether we are given seventeen years or seventy years how we opt to invest our time, our efforts and our heart is a choice that is ours alone. I am confident that when I have taken my last breath that my eternity will be spent in heaven due to investing my faith and heart in a God who is so good, so loving and so just that I am undeserving. But as I look around a world that is teeming with suffering, poverty and uncertainty I find comfort in not only my faith but in how my days are intended to be lived.

     This world and our every day isn't meant to fulfill our own personal needs. There is hurt and sadness is so many crevices of our own community, but do we take the time to look? Do we take the opportunity to look with our hearts and not our eyes? Or are we living solely for our weekly paychecks that will enable more fluff on our cake of life? I can say with confidence that when we begin viewing the hearts and needs of others how we live life alters immensely. The ability to love, no strings attach, is what Christ was all about.

     It was the summer before my junior year of college that I had the veil lifted from my eyes. I went from a kid thinking I had a pretty solid grasp of life to one who was in awe of how little I knew of the world and needs around me. It was in Minsk, Belarus that my eyes opened and my heart ached for people in a part of the world I knew little to nothing about a few months prior. There was poverty. There were obvious social signs of communisms stronghold years after the walls were torn down. Then there was the sickness of so many I encountered suffering from the after effects of Chernobyl that occurred so long ago. It was on a walk to the local park to meet a friend that it all slapped me in the face. Up until that point it was college loans, exams, finding a summer job and career choices that were my daily stressors. Here, and like so many pinpoints of the map, it was survival, overcoming financial obstacles and breaking from a past riddled in oppression. I was an idiot. It was on a park bench that I realized that then and there I was changed and would never be able, even if I wanted to, be the same.

     Now, a lifetime later, I have my moments that I have to reel myself back in thwarting the distractions of the things that really just don't matter and reflect back to Minsk. It is from those moments that I realized life is too short to not love, seek out the needs of others and to live life fully in a way that each day and year can really be one of a kind. It's not always about scurrying around looking for ways to serve, but it's combining that with the ability to relish the beauty of a life we can so often let slip through our fingertips. It's coffee on the couch with your spouse. It's driving with the windows down breathing in the cool air as the sun hits your face. It's baking cookies with your kids or loved ones and staying up late watching a movie. It's looking through old pictures and allowing yourself to laugh and cry. It's sending someone a note in the mail who could really use the encouragement or knowledge that you're thinking of them. There are so many small, 'big,' opportunities we can overlook if we don't pause and make a concerted effort to really live.

   So as we embark upon another 365 days and 8,765.81 hours may your 2015 be a journey that will change you from beginning to end. Happy New Year!