Pay it onward and beyond

Each of us are faced with choices on a daily basis. Some choices weigh heavier than others. We are all bound to stumble, hit bumps along our journey, but there are decisions that can have life long implications. It is my prayer that my own kids and the students that I work with on a daily basis will bypass the life altering ones. It's a scary world out there.
As humans we are innately selfish. We have the tendency to have an inwardly focused mentality, but if we go through life with 'self blinders' securely fixed to our every day outlook it creates a heightened likelihood that decisions will be more impulsive and self motivated. This combination of factors stirs the pot and typically leads to not good things. Whether it be complacency, getting in over one's head with substances, associating with a negative peer group or compromising one's values a me centered mentality is inevitably bound for a pretty diluted way of life.

So where do we go with this? My opinion, focus less on us and more on others. When we extract the 'I' from our every day it's funny what happens. Our outlook will inevitably be altered. I have been totally stoked watching students who have participated in our school sponsored projects such as the Philly Homeless Outreach, Camden Soup Kitchen project, school thrift shop and our food pantry. I have the distinct privilege of watching their eyes open and their hearts softened. They experience a life altering moment that will leave a permanent imprint on their hearts. For many, after this there is no going back. They want more. The desire to help and reach out to others heightens. Giving back, serving others becomes contagious. Bam!

When parents share their concerns about something their child is struggling with I am the first to say that I do not have all the answers and my words are a combination of heart, life experience and professional opinion. Though I will never hesitate to stress the importance of incorporating outreach and community service in the life of every child that walks through the halls of any high school anywhere. It's simply a necessary piece of the puzzle. Each of us have listened to countless lessons and speeches that have a tendency to go in one ear and out the other, but what outreach does is it breaks down the formal platform of lesson learning and places it in its most tangible, life altering form by actually doing it. No one is telling you what you need to know or how you should feel. Right then and there whether it be a soup kitchen, food bank, shelter or whatever it may be your eyes and heart are receiving the same message. How totally awesome is that? And it's free : )
Taking that step, living outside of yourself absolutely minimizes that 'me' mentality and, in turn, diminishes the likelihood or non-rewindable decisions that shakes worlds and weakens hearts. Take a few hours of your month to take that step, embrace the' we' instead of the 'me,' and I promise that your life will never be the same. Bring it on!

Dialogue for Dignity

I firmly believe that in order to make a difference you have to be willing to step outside of your comfort zone and have the confidence to do what is right not what is necessarily safe and popular. On Thursday a difference was made and hundreds of young people were educated about the reality of human trafficking. Kelly Master, from Dining for Dignity, presented some pretty raw and disturbing facts on an issue so many of us naturally assume is not here and does not affect our children. But the stark reality is that unless we inform and educate our silence inexcusable. 

Dialoging with students after the presentation only reinforced the need for Kelly's presence. So much of the manipulation and preying occurs through social network. Students shared that they had no idea that this was here and so close to home. It was encouraging to have many commit to changing their privacy settings and reevaluating who they communicated with through social media. I believe we have a responsibility to educate our kids and inform them that there are dangers out there. They become safer through awareness and empowered with discussions about a dark part of our society we so desperately do not want any of our young people to ever be lured into. 

I am so very proud of our kids and anxious to have Kelly back in our school sharing, dialoging and empowering all 1,200+ of our kids. Knowledge is power and we're going to rock and roll! 

Distractions abound

Every day our kids are faced with an onslaught of decisions. Some weigh heavier than others. Distracted driving is here and isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. At some point during the course of their teenage years every one of our kids will be confronted with this issue. Whether it be making the decision to turn the key in the ignition after having a few drinks, sitting in the passenger seat with a driver who is high, who is texting, or replying to a text every single day our kids are confronted with decisions that have the potential to go really wrong.

As a teenager it’s almost impossible to wrap your head around your own mortality and the idea that something bad could actually happen to you. But this is where we come in. Every one of our kids are precious gifts and since our high school's opening eleven years ago we have lost students and alumni for a myriad of reasons. Many could have been prevented.

Last week I stopped by Odd Fellow Cemetery in down town Medford. It's the town I grew up in.vIn the back section of the cemetery there is an alarming number of young people who have been laid to rest. Each of them has a story. I grew up with many of them. If I close my eyes their faces, smiles and memories flood my mind. Some are there because of illness or due to unforeseen circumstances. But many are young lives snuffed out too early due to their own decisions or the reckless decisions of others involving a vehicle. We all make mistakes in life, but there are certain choices that we make or are made by others where there is no rewind button and the implications are life altering.

The reality is that each of these head stones are a somebody's somebody. I remember the girl who sat in front of me in chemistry class my senior year who ended her own life. In a split second I'm transported to the two brothers who could make you smile in a heart beat both overdosing within two years of one another of heroin and a friend who sat next to me in english class who was another victim of heroin's vicious hold. I can't even count the faces, the names after all of these years. There are just too many. Some were victims of illness, the poor decisions of others and so many were snuffed out by addiction or reckless choices. It's mind boggling. Every headstone has a story. Each cross on the side of the road holds countless memories. 

Another temptation our kids and any driver faces is the pull of the mobile phone. Driving to work, home or running errands I'm baffled by how many heads are facing downward in the vehicles on the other side of the road way. It's insane. But for the sake of our kids and safety of others we must lead by example. Resist the temptation to glance at your phone and respond to that text while driving. One glance, one second could very easily be a life. The number of crashes attributed to cell phone use is huge and it will only increase if we don’t stop.

Just this evening my daughter and I were walking through a parking lot while visiting the University of Connecticut as we both were flabbergasted as the driver of a vehicle coming right at us had no idea we existed as her eyes were fixed on her phone the entire time. From a solid fifty feet before reaching us until she was out of view it was visible that she was texting. The prevalence is all too common with injuries and loss of life only increasing as time goes on. But it really can be so easily prevented. Put the cell down. It can be done. There is no text message that is that important. I can promise you that. 

Let's roll with another distraction. Common knowledge is that the drinking age is 21. There are students who make the decision to drink, but I am continually dumbfounded at the downplaying of buzzed driving. Having even one beer in their system, being underage, not only can get them a DUI but it also does alter the driver’s reaction time. I’ve had students openly share that the drive from point a to point b is only a few miles up the road. In their mind the worst thing they can do is hit a deer or run into a sod field. They are so terribly wrong.

It’s uncomfortable being in the position of being the passenger in a vehicle of someone who has consumed alcohol or is high. It is so important to have this conversation with our kids. If they’re in this position they need two or three numbers to contact as their back- up plan. Maybe the deal is, you pick them up a block away or your older son or daughter makes the midnight run, ensuring they are getting home safe.

There are so many challenges our kids face. You couldn’t pay me to be a teenager again. But the reality is they will be faced with one of these scenarios. It is so important to hear that they do not need to get in that car, under any circumstances. It’s also important for them to know that they have a voice and if they see someone they know who has been drinking, smoking, popping pills, etc., it is their responsibility to not let that person drive. It’s not ok to be silent. It isn’t about being confrontational, but it is about having a voice and not turning a blind eye.

This is a lot to process.  I write this not as the SAC, but as a community member. I have lost count of the many lives that I have known and loved over the years who are no longer here because someone made the choice to get behind the wheel and voices were not raised to say that it was not ok. Your voice matters and your words can touch the heart of your child

Let’s continue to let our kids know how very precious they are, as well as the dangers of distracted driving. I believe, through ongoing discussion, lives can be saved. As I drive through our community each cross I pass I think that that was somebody’s somebody. Each cross is a dad, sister, cousin or best friend. We don’t want any more crosses on our roads. I believe this battle can be won, but we must lead by example and have this topic in the forefront of our minds as we drive our kids to practice or at the dinner table.    

    

Life's but a vapor

 Loss is a part of life. Some of us endure the sting more than others. But life isn't about comparing and contrasting neither is it about having the ability to play God analyzing events that are beyond our control. These two factors can be stumbling blocks for many of us out there. 

Life is short, it's equated to a fleeting vapor in the book of James in the Bible. It's like a blink of an eye that's like sand slipping through our hands. It isn't an analogy that is meant to evoke fear, but rather to choose to possess a deepened desire to live fully, genuinely and in a manner that when our life has flipped to its final chapter there was greater giving than taking. 

Fifteen years ago today I was faced with this very reality. In fact, it slammed me against the wall and shook me to the core. My youngest sister, Shana, and her three friends were killed by a drunk driver at eleven in the morning on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. The worlds of countless people were altered in one split second. That includes the family members of the woman, Melissa Marvin, who was driving intoxicated. 

I love when people tell me that their decisions are their own business. Every decision we make has an outcome and this one split second decision cost a lot of moms, dads, sisters, brothers, cousins and friends a somebody that they will never have the opportunity to see again. So destructive decisions do become my business. 

It has been a very long journey. The gaping whole that occurs with loss isn't something that is healed with a bandaid or a few hugs. It is a life long process that can take you for a pretty crazy ride. But as I think of the world that existed fifteen years ago it feels like a million years ago, but just like yesterday. In fifteen years I have gained a stronger respect for family, the fragility of life and prioritizing what is and what isn't of value. 

Shana, Megan, Angela and Amanda have taught me lessons that no lecture, book or website could even come close to. I have learned that the greatest way to honor those who are no longer here is to press forward and live life fully, passionately and genuinely. I have learned that we are not only responsible for our decisions, but we must have a voice when others are making choices that have the ability to inflict harm upon others. If one person had spoken up that day fifteen years ago, I would still have a sister. 

Your voice matters. 

I have learned that anger is a normal emotion, but bitterness is not. Being bitter is toxic and then you become a victim and that isn't fair to those who are still here and the one you lost. I have learned that God is bigger than we are. He is in control and He can do amazing things in lieu of heartache and loss. God is good even when life is crap. I have learned that family is a beautiful thing and that when I take my last breath my eyes will open and I will see Shana and a whole lot of people this heart of mine has missed for many years. 

As you begin your week take the time to count your blessings and maybe do a little check list of what and who you are investing most of your energy in. The reality is, you can't take what doesn't matter with you. 

The green plant that seems like its everywhere

     It’s just pot. No big deal. It’s not a real drug. I know that this message might seem redundant, but I ask you for a few minutes of your time. Nationwide there is a vast misperception about marijuana that is having devastating implications. I can say, without hesitation, the social acceptance and widespread abuse of marijuana has become an epidemic. We have a problem that is impacting our kids on a daily basis. I see it every single day with people of all ages, backgrounds and philosophies. 

   

      I am frequently asked, ‘what drug is most widespread within your high school?’ What concerns me is not the answer, but the response. The most common reaction is a sigh of relief or a shrug of the shoulders along with, “It’s just weed.” We are now suffering the direct consequences from these inaccurate assumptions.

     There are no documented cases of anyone ever overdosing from weed. The effects after smoking or consuming (a ‘special’ ingredient added to brownies, cookies, etc.) marijuana are not nearly as noticeable and invasive as what we’ve classified as harder drugs, such as cocaine or pills. But it is the typical slow, gradual shifts in attitude and behaviors that are swooping in and crippling us.

     The reality is that there are three types of experimentation outcomes with weed:

·      experimentation without any real negative outcomes

·      experimentation that leads to use of other substances (where marijuana is aptly labeled a ‘gateway drug’)

·      experimentation that leads to psychological dependence on the drug    

       I cannot begin to tell you how many students have sworn up and down that they would never use anything beyond pot. When the high becomes mundane and tolerance builds there is a combination of rationalization and a justification leading to the expansion in the realm of experimentation. Smoking is now combined with popping a pill from the medicine cabinet, dropping a hit of acid or snorting a little cocaine. The line has been compromised and the level of abuse becomes progressively more problematic.

     Then there is the other much larger group, inclusive of students currently walking the halls of and American High School.  Their drug of choice remains weed and, over time, interests change, their peer group shifts, apathy sets in and goals for present and future becomes less clear and significant.  This is the manner in which so many lives are being altered in ways that we do not read about in the newspaper or hear of in national statistics. As apathy increases users become less interested in expending energy on anything else that does not revolve around marijuana. This cripples their abilities to achieve their talents and skills. Have you noticed any of these changes in your child? 

     In our community young people are settling for smoking around the bonfire every weekend, hanging in the garage every other day after school getting high with their bag of chips, and the life that was in store for them becomes so much less than it was intended to be. This then becomes the focus of their lives and all they look forward to doing. It transitions from fun to dependence; something occasional to a lifestyle.

     My heart breaks for the loss of opportunities that I hear about and witness on a daily basis. It saddens me to listen to the upperclassmen now reflecting about all the time that has been wasted and cannot be retrieved. The once esteemed athlete that is no longer a candidate for playing in college due to decline in his or her ability. The twenty-three year old graduate who is still stuck smoking, just getting by with no real goals or prospects that is heartbreaking. We live once. So much potential lost, altering the lives of so many of our kids and their families.

     There are different outcomes, but the hope is we don’t turn a blind eye. There is power in knowledge and a comfort in knowing we are not alone when challenges arise.

If you’re concerned and wonder what to look for, here are a few top ‘red flags’:

·      Glassy eyes,

·       Lethargy

·      Shift in friends, interests, etc.

·      Paraphernalia: glass pipes, bowls, small plastic baggies (dime bags), cigarette rolling papers

*      Long term use = increased tolerance, meaning you need more of it to get high. This can sometimes lead to irritability, anxiousness, etc. 

*        Short term memory can sometimes be effected 

     If you have any questions or comments about this topic, feel free to kick me an email. Have a great week!