Judge Free Zone

     Not judging a book by its cover is so much easier coined than lived out. It’s human nature to judge, evaluate and allowing our eyes to delve beyond the surface can be trying. But how very cool would it be that instead of soaking in a person’s clothing labels it was their heart you encountered first? I’m thinking that could backfire for some for sure. Have you been guilty of jumping the gun where your attitude and approach to a person may be softened or hardened depending on what they were or weren’t wearing, the piercings or tattoos on their bodies or how they spoke? If you haven’t, well you have…hate to break it to you.

     But the truth is what we find as aesthetically appealing to the eye on the surface, and we all have different definitions of that, can sometimes be very contrasting to what lies beneath. Some of my most in depth and thought provoking conversations have stemmed from the kid in my office who just looks exceptionally rough around the edges to the traveler I’ve shared dinner with that most would pass by on the street without a word or a glance. But we’ve all been guilty of assuming we know what an individual is about based upon appearance.  We discriminate without even realizing it and with that we hastily go about our day without realizing we missed out on something pretty awesome.

    When it’s you being discriminated against it can not only sting, but feel pretty crappy. I made an attempt to trek to the Czech Republic via train hopping from Austria with a few hour lay over in Munich, Germany. My frolicking in Munich got the better of me and I ended up missing my 2 am train leaving me with my pack, only a few Deutsch marks (pre-Euro) , utterly exhausted and totally alone. I opted to migrate to the waiting area where other backpackers and a handful of homeless resided to catch a few hours of sleep before deciding where I would head next. I was exhausted. I used my belt to tie myself to my pack that left no opportunity for it being lifted without them taking me with it. Good luck with that. My hair was pulled back, my jeans were visibly worn and my sweater had seen better days, but I had planned on throwing my things in the wash at my next destination. It was not quite 8 am when I was poked in the side by someone uttering incomprehensible words in German. All I wanted to do was sleep just a little longer. Words were exchanged again and just as I opened my eyes a sharp pain shot across my rib cage and my eyes filled with tears as I bit my lip to refrain from screaming. A billy club was my morning wake up call by the local police whose task was to remove the ruffians from the terminal before the rush of travelers set in. At that moment I had never felt such a sickening combination of pain, shame and anger that simmered with me long after I left Munich. My wake up was based on where I was, how I looked and how I was perceived as being a public annoyance lumped in with the homeless and other riff raft.

      It’s funny how little we really know about those we can sometimes be surrounded   by everyday who have a certain look that works for or against them impacting how we engage in conversation and approach them. Maybe they’re struggling with ptsd, their marriage is falling apart, bills are piling up and they feel like they’re drowning Or just simply they’re layered with life experiences that have the ability to enrich your life? There is always so much more than what lies on the surface.

    It’s kind of a cool challenge to allow your eyes to focus less on the wardrobe and exterior and more on the heart and character. It takes time and patience, but the reward outweighs the effort. It’s a great way to sift through the buttheads and find some gems that would have otherwise been overlooked.

Chewy didn't roll solo

Goose had Maverick and Han Solo had Chewbaka. Both of these guys had a wingman through the course of their journeys that endured both good and bad. As a new school year and college term has kicked off my hope is that every young person has their own Chewy or Goose. Whether in the hallways or on the weekends every one of our kids will be faced with decisions, moral dilemmas and peer pressures that can often be uncomfortable and sometimes has the potential to be life altering. It’s that person who not only has your back, but will call you out on poor decision making or will stand up for you when you are in over your head. Often times it takes a handful of experiences involving hurt, broken promises or even betrayal before the selection process becomes more refined. It isn’t an easy thing.

     After completing grad school I spent six months working in New Zealand and a few weeks travelling throughout Australia and Fiji. While in Fiji I island hopped in pursuit of good surf and diving. I met some locals who owned a dive shop on the main land and they invited me to do a trek with them free of charge. I was a very green diver, only receiving my cert a month or so prior in Australia , with only a handful of dives under my belt. When you dive you always are encouraged to have a buddy, or a wingman. My wingman, Raj, assured me I was in good hands and that we were going to check out an unbelievable wreck that sunk a few hundred years back.  I wasn’t certified to dive wrecks yet, but I caved in, put on my gear and eagerly accompanied my wingman in to the deep blue.

     As we descended I kept my eyes fixed on Raj who would turn around every ten I feet or so and give me a bob of the head with a thumbs up. I slowly followed him through the first passageway into the ship and as we entered visibility quickly decreased and my wingman was out of sight. There would be different doorways to go through and it was unclear as to which way they turned making it a very real possibility of getting lost in the belly of the ship. I knew the guys were probably only a few feet ahead, but I opted to make my way back to the surface.. But as I hastily exited the knob on my air tank became pinned in between the rusty shards of the door’s frame. I couldn’t move forward or backwards and for a second I was pretty sure I was done for. The only option remaining was removing weight belt and physically holding my air tank as I maneuvered by body where I was facing my tank. I jostled it and after a few jiggles the knob was free and I was able to strap my gear back on and resurface.

      My wingman did not have my back. I remember thinking on the boat ride back to land at how differently my outcome could have been and that my ability to trust someone I knew nothing about was foolish on my part. Every day adults and young people are faced with decisions that range from whether or not to say something if you’re in the car and the driver is texting, to speak up when we hear someone being bullied, to posting inappropriate comments or pictures on social media and the list goes on. Sometimes we have our guard down, don’t think straight or are just simply being a butt head. It’s times such as these that we need to be held accountable, called out and need a wing man.

     Sometimes it can be easy to get caught up in finding someone whose convenient or more fun than reliable and honest. My hope is that as our kids and loved ones begin another year the focus won’t be on how many friends are in their circle, but how good the ones they have are. Even having one solid Goose or Chewy goes a whole lot further than a dozen fair weathered peeps. May the force be with you.